I'm about to go emo on you
So if you don't wanna read this
Don't read.
So I think I've been suffering depression for a while now.
I don't know how it started.
Or what about my life is so depressing.
Actually.
I can name a few
But nothing that's horrible.
I think about death a lot.
Like
If I died.
Who would go to my funeral?
I know my family would.
They kind of have to.
They're my family.
I think my brother might cry.
So would my mom.
I don't know how my dad would react.
I know that my uncle will be there.
And my aunt.
Because I've grown up with my uncle
And my aunt lives with my uncle.
But the thing that worries me
Is
Will my friends go?
I think my friend Holly might.
And Tiffany
Erica
And Victoria.
But the problem is.
Who would tell them?
I don't go to school with them.
I'm too scared to invite them to my house
Because my dad overreacts to the noise level.
And to the dirt.
It's irritating.
And I feel like my family will judge them.
My brother's already judged Holly.
It sucks.
To have your friend judged like that.
But the people I hang out with now.
Not so much
I'm like the extra in that group.
But I would like to think that they would care.
I know Taylor would care a little bit.
And Ashley.
But the others.
I don't think so.
But I don't think any of them would cry for me.
I don't think I've made that many close friends.
I talk to them and laugh with them.
But no one invites me to their birthday parties.
I'm quiet that's why.
No one bothers to get to know me.
Because they think I'm boring.
I'm not actually.
I'm pretty funny.
But it's in a way that it's hard to understand.
Unless you know me.
And you know what I know.
Another way I know I'm depressed.
Is I can never get sleep.
It's hard for me to go to sleep.
I can lay in bed for hours.
And never get to sleep
Or get up.
If I could.
I can stay in bed for the whole day.
And just listen to music.
I don't think anyone knows that I'm depressed.
They just think I'm quiet.
Which gets on other people's nerves.
Like me mom's.
She keeps nagging at me to talk.
I don't like to talk.
I don't know what to say.
Every time she nags.
I just want to stay quiet even more.
She tells me that she used to not talk when she was my age.
So why can't she respect me then?
And my brother is always saying how I should change my ways.
How I should stop being so shy.
I try not to.
I try to talk.
But I don't know what to say.
I don't know what they like.
Everything is based on first impressions.
What happens if I say something and they don't like it?
My family would get upset with me.
Because of what I said.
Or if the person thinks I'm weird.
My mom thinks I'm weird already.
If someone else thinks I'm weird.
Then they're going to start talking about me.
About how weird I am.
And they'll become friends.
And I'm all by myself.
Again.
And my dad.
He's so sensitive about the smallest things.
He got mad at me while playing scrabble.
I'm not going into details because the reason is just as ridiculous as it sounds.
And he got mad at me to not wanting the same damn phone as him.
I just wanted to change the color to red.
But fuck no.
I don't know what he was thinking.
Maybe that I don't want to be like him.
HELLO!
You're a GUY.
You DON'T have a JOB.
Mom is the one always working.
You stay at HOME.
SLEEPING.
PLAYING GAMES.
GOING ON THE COMPUTER.
Of course I don't want to be like you.
No one does.
I want to be the exact opposite.
I'm a GIRL.
That's good.
I'm planning on getting a job over the summer.
Thank God.
It'll get me out of this house over the summer.
I'm joining People to People.
I can get out of this COUNTRY.
If I can get out of this place.
I wouldn't be SLEEPING ALL DAY
PLAYING GAMES
GOING ON THE COMPUTER.
In other words.
I won't be like you.
I don't want to be like you.
I want to have patience.
Which no one in my family has.
I don't want to argue.
Which everyone in my family does.
I don't want to do what my family wants me to do.
So far that's the hardest one to change for me.
Just to make my mom happy.
Because I don't know how to make her happy any other way.
If I can get my grades up.
Then she'll be happy.
If I go to a good school
Like Berkeley
Or Stanford.
She'll be happy.
But.
If I want to do what I want
To become a comic book artist.
To become a surfer.
She won't be happy.
I'll be the disappointment that I know I am right now.
And my brother will continue to be the favorite.
And I'll be considered to be like dad.
Doing nothing with her life.
In my mom's point of view I suppose.
But I don't know if I should make my mom happy.
Or to make myself happy.
Would that be selfish?
Is that wrong to do?
Do I want to be a disappointment forever?
This is what's making me sad.
This is what's making me rethink everything.
This is what's making me become more reclusive to my family.
Because I don't know what I want.
Which my family is all about.
I don't know how to fit in with my family.
I don't know how to fit in with anybody.

I'm scared that my life is like the Truman show.
I'm scared that the ratings will get low
and the producers will kill someone off.
Just to get the people to watch it.